One More Mommy

Thoughts of a mom and her husband, son, daughter, pets, friends, job (or lack thereof), house, family, trying to be more ecologically aware...

Monday, February 20, 2006

Searching for

I have a countdown until my husband is finished with grad school. That countdown currently stands at 74 days.

My mother constantly tells me that I have a busy life, that we have more of the life that she wanted for herself and her family. She also constantly says that she is too old, she can't start anything new. I love my mother, but it crushes me when she says these things. I don't know how to respond with anything that will make her stop looking backwards and start living NOW.

Last night I watched 'Fat Camp' on MTV, it sucked me in and I had to watch the entire two hours of it. I watched the kids interact and make poor choices, they often decided not to participate. They whined, they cried, they were exceedingly dramatic. I was annoyed by them, but kept it in my head that they were 13 or 14 or 17, and that I am nothing like I was a those ages. I wished I had gone to fat camp.

High school was, for me, something I had to get through. It wasn't horrible, but nowhere near great. I did things, but I was also convinced that the 'cool' people didn't or wouldn't like me. I was often trapped by my own insecurities. I wish I hadn't been.

Too often I have become part of the cycle of 'When I am married...', 'When I have kids...', 'When we are making more money...'. And it doesn't change things. Sometimes I forget the difference between planning for the future and waiting for it.

Today I'm not going to.

But I can't wait until my throat stops feeling like all the moisture has been vacuummed from it.


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