One More Mommy

Thoughts of a mom and her husband, son, daughter, pets, friends, job (or lack thereof), house, family, trying to be more ecologically aware...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Ambition

I have a dirty secret. It gets feminists up in arms. There's currently a debate raging about it, how college age women have these ideas about things, and they, well, they want to stay home with their families!

There's a backlash, apparently, where intelligent, capable women who were raised in the midst of the superwoman phenomenon (the 80's, power suits with shoulder pads... my new sweater had weird little shoulder pads yesterday. WHY!?!? I digress...), these college age women are --planning-- to stay home with their children and let their husbands work.

I will try to hunt down the articles, but one I read was essentially PO'd that these women had made that choice, and expected to have the means to make that choice. There is also the assertation that by making this choice, these highly educated, intelligent women are robbing the world of women CEOs and equal rights.

I've made that choice. And my secret? I have no ambition. A friend of mine, who graduated high school with me, asked me about this. Let's take a picture of us at graduation - I was salutatorian (2nd in the class). High SAT/ACT scores. Headed off to the U of Illinois to study engineering. She was the middle of the pack, headed off to college out of state to study accounting.

I, did not do so well in college. I don't know her grades, but I'm guessing her GPA was higher than mine. She has also since gone on to get a Masters. She had her first baby in January. She is engaged in her job, working longer hours, and felt like all she did on maternity leave was chores.

I am not at all engaged in my job. In fact, I don't understand what the heck people CARE so damn much about here. It's a job. It pays well, but it provides me with little satisfaction. I felt like I was in control of my life on maternity leave.

I'm not a great housekeeper, but this week I put bleach in my spray bottle and sprayed down the shower curtain liner that was starting to get grungy. I sprayed the corners of the bathtub where a decorative flower and a bath toy has stained the porcelain red and orange.

The clean shower curtain liner and white porcelain of the tub gave me great pleasure this morning. I felt like my world was a little better, and right.

It took me a few years during and after college to realize that I was not the ladder-climbing corporate type. That my grades and natural aptitude for problem solving and math, do not equate to high achievement in a corporate landscape. Out here, understanding Euclid's Theorems does nothing for you.

I keep returning to this theme in my mind. If I am not a 'high achiever', as I was defined for my childhood, where do I now fit? This, along with the "Child Representing The Inexorable March of Life Towards Death", which I will attempt to touch on later, is sending me through a life 'crisis'. I have come to accept that it's okay to be unambitious (within the context of corporate world), but that does leave me with the landscape of approximately 50 years to fill with something that will make me feel as if I am not wasting my time.

2 Comments:

Blogger Unknown said...

I was a Women's Studies major, I consider myself a feminist, and I stay home with my child (soon to be "children"). I don't think you sound unambitious, I think your priorities may lie elsewhere--not in corporate America. What you said about feeling in control while on maternity leave says a lot. I have learned more about myself and taken charge of my life as a SAHM than I ever did when I worked. I just hate to think you'd find yourself unambitious when you sound like an intelligent, capable woman who just doesn't fit a corporate mold. Sorry for the book here...

5:18 PM  
Blogger Elisette said...

Thanks for your thoughts! It's an interesting topic, the individual in the context of the group, and how individuals affect the group (women). I don't know how it will all play out... :)

12:06 PM  

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